Just Living.
The New Year's Resolution I didn't mean to make.
I’ll admit, the idea that I should make some new ambitious goals had been milling around in my mind for a while. I considered that I might capitalize on the New Year’s momentum in the collective and set a few initiatives, maybe try to carve out a journey or project for the year.
I started to sketch out a few ideas in my journal. “Not resolutions, just ideas,” I told myself. But I quickly got overwhelmed. I found myself thinking of lifting these things off, or not, and feeling lots of ways about all of it.
Writing out these ambitions and goals reminded me of what I’m learning of late.
They disappoint.
It’s kind of inevitable. Whether I achieve them or not makes no difference, they will be assessed and surveyed for imperfections or I will not claim them at all and all of this is just my own ego stuff I am working through. But it’s getting old and my estrogen is low and I simply don’t want to create and carry projects like I did before.
I decided to put away the idea of a New Years Resolution altogether. And once again, I relieved myself the idea of having any projects on the table. But as I began to cross out my ideas for a new year in my journal, I felt that dopamine potential falling, and before I knew it, I decided I needed snacks. Because snacks don’t disappoint.
When I pulled in a few minutes later to the 7-Eleven, I parked next to a tired looking older woman, whose car was stuffed full with her belongings. I caught the door behind her as I went in in search of a Kit Kat and then found her again when I joined the checkout line.
She was carrying a Big Gulp plastic cup filled with ice water and a lot of heavy burdens. She briefly stopped at the counter and mumbled something I couldn’t hear to the clerk, who gestured for her to pass the line and leave without paying for the plastic cup.
It was a simple thing, and highly casual, but I could really feel the depth of kindness in his heart as he did it. How he saw her. Maybe recognized her.
I was already impressed with his Being, but then when he went to ring up my Kit Kat, he said, “do you have a loyalty number?” To which, I replied, “no.”
“Oh, Okay, I think Kit Kat’s are on sale. I’ll put in mine…Yep. Took some off there for ya.”
I looked at him and smiled and said, teasing him a little, “careful, you are revealing yourself to be a good person.” Letting him know, I saw him. But he shook it off and said, “hey, (kinda serious-like —and here he looks right at me), “I’m just living.”
On my short drive back to the office, I kept hearing his phrase and feeling something profound in the echo of his words, “Hey, I’m just living.” It felt more like a teaching than a passing comment. It felt deep.
“Hey, I’m just living.” As if that’s nothing.
Most people I know, myself included, are mostly busy doing. We’re always doing something. And if we even think about living, we are usually wondering what we should make of it, or how to make one, period.
But rarely do you see someone really —living.
It was ringing through me and embedding itself deeply when I arrived back at the office. For some reason, I turned around in the back to park along the side street, even though the parking lot was nearly empty. As I got out of my car I noticed a peculiar scene.
A man was riding up the road, sitting in a small deck chair that was secured onto a motorized unicycle. He had on headphones and appeared to be jamming out to something he was thoroughly enjoying. There was a slight bopping of his head to the tune. But, at the very same time, he was also holding an open notebook, which he appeared to be somewhat studying…all while riding at a pretty good clip. How very strange indeed. And kind of a hoot. My eyes feasted on the sight of him and I think I felt my dopamine surge just imagining his.
And then I had the thought, as I watched him curve out of my sight, “wow, he’s really living.”
At this point, I’m still pretty dense about the synchronicity of teachings, and as I walked across the empty parking lot to the door of my office, I found myself wondering why I hadn’t parked closer. It was only then I suddenly realized, I parked in the perfect spot to receive the lesson. If I had pulled directly into the parking lot, I would never have seen this feast for my eyes…this man and the way he was really living.
And that’s when I got it.
So this year, my resolution is to just live.
But really, it is a profound declaration, to live my life fully. To be fully alive. To just allow it to happen through me. To just anchor to living.
Too often, I try to get somewhere or do something. Too often, I have an agenda for my life. With preferences. And expectations. Each time I do this, each time I am caught up in accomplishing something, I am on my way to pain for how it inevitably disappoints.
But when I stop all this doing and I just live…the present moment is spacious enough to contain everything I need. Even if it contains a few things I do not want.
So, that’s what I’ll be planning on doing this year. Just Living. And hopefully, in those moments when I can be undone and alive, it’ll dawn on me —how profound it really is —to just live.
Happy New Year!
